Teach Primary Issue 18.4

Bob Usher and Tracey Boseley discuss the importance of developing staff understanding, skills and confidence in dealing with grieving pupils W e are all likely to have experienced some form of bereavement in our lives, and can understand the immense sense of loss and grief that’s involved. Talking about death is always difficult, but schools can provide vital support for bereaved pupils and their families. What death means to children A child’s understanding about death develops with age. Between the ages of five and seven, PUPIL bereavement children gradually begin to understand that death is permanent and irreversible, and that the person who has died will not return. As awareness of the finality of death develops, children who have been bereaved earlier in their lives often need to re-process what has happened. Young children’s imagination and ‘magical thinking’ can lead some to believe that their thoughts or actions have caused the death, and they can feel guilty. They may become extremely angry Behaviour following a death can be affected by both loss-orientated thoughts (being tearful and wanting to talk about the person who died) and restoration-orien- tated thoughts (playing and spending time with friends). Coping with bereavement usually involves switching between each of these mind-sets. Younger children can find it difficult to cope with sad feelings for too long, and can ‘puddle jump’, appearing to move in and out of their grief, a bit like they are jumping in and out of a puddle. One very common misconception is that a bereaved pupil who is acting normally in the playground is ‘unaffected by their grief’ or has ‘got over a death’, which is simply not the case. How you can best support bereaved pupils Most grieving pupils do not need a ‘bereavement expert’, just people who care. By carrying on with the usual day-to-day activities while acknowledging the bereavement, schools can provide a huge amount of support to a grieving child. Children learn how to grieve by copying the responses of the adults around them. Younger children in particular have a limited ability to put feelings, thoughts and memories into words, and tend to ‘act out’ rather than expressing themselves verbally. Therefore, their behaviour is or, alternatively, try to be exceptionally ‘good’, to compensate for what they believe they have done. By the end of KS2, most pupils will understand the inevitability of death, and be aware of their own and others’ mortality; this can lead to fear and insecurity. They will seek information and answers to their questions. Children who are not given sufficient information in age-appropriate language, can ‘make up’ the gaps in their knowledge. They may also take on the responsibilities of a surviving adult or siblings and, by trying to appear grown up, put themselves under additional stress. How children grieve Children can grieve just as deeply as adults, but they will often show it in different ways. There is no time limit on grief, and it doesn’t go away, it just changes over time. Although the grief will always be there, a bereaved pupil can grow a new life around their grief. Everyone grieves in their own unique way, but it’s hard work and can be exhausting. www.teachwire.net | 63 HE A L TH & WE L L BE I NG S P E C I A L “Young children’s imagination and ‘magical thinking’ can lead some to believe that their thoughts or actions have caused the death”